How to buy a car in 12 easy steps

Research. On the Internet. Examine the company description for every compact car you can think of, from Jetta to Civic to Rio. Narrow down your choices to six.

Visit dealerships. On the first day, a Saturday, start with the Ford and Chevrolet dealerships. Your Internet research convinced you the Focus was going to be the best car for your needs, so you want to test-drive that one first. Except that it’s tiny. Really tiny. Like, no-legroom-for-your-passengers tiny. This was unexpected.

So you end up test-driving a Fusion, the next step up from a Focus, and you like it a lot. You like it too much. It’s going to cost at least five thousand dollars more than you wanted to spend. Dammit.

Move on to the Chevrolet dealership. Test-drive the Cruze. It’s also too small. Get pissed that the compact cars you wanted are all smaller than the compact cars you remember your parents owning. Test-drive the Sonic, a sub-compact. You actually love it. It’s got room for passengers, and it’s got solid gas mileage. However, your wife hates it, because its interior design (console, et cetera) was made for a sixteen-year-old boy. And the only one they have on the lot has an electric orange paint job.

The Chevrolet dealer unleashes one more gambit, showing you a marked-down Impala. You like driving it, but its interior (and, let’s face it: its brand) make you feel like you’re driving a grandma car.

By now, it’s nearly evening. Give up for the day. Plan to hit more dealerships tomorrow.

Go to a house party. Talk to friends about your miserable experience looking for a new car. One friend tells you about how happy he is with his vehicle, a make that you hadn’t considered. Look at your wife. She’s looking at you, too, because neither of you had considered that option.

The next day, go to the dealership that sells your friend’s car. Test-drive the exact same model he owns. You love it. Head over heels in love. Better still? It’s an oversized hatchback that costs less than all the other models you’d researched.

Make an executive decision to buy this car… today. Start the purchase process. In five minutes, negotiate zero percent APR over 72 months. High-five your wife as the salesman walks away to copy some paperwork.

While waiting for a financing agent to come available, chat with the salesman about fantasy football. Mention Ron Dayne’s performance in Week 16 of the 2006 season, and watch his eyes light up. You like him. He’s really good at his job.

Four hours after walking into the dealership, drive away in a brand new car that cost less than you were prepared to pay, and is bigger than you imagined you could afford. It’s. That. Easy.

30 October 2012